Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
