the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
