Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize