Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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