I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
