If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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