Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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