Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
