Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
