I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
try to milk me bitch
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