This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
