my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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