I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
