I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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