I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
