omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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