I can't breathe out the right side of my face
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I am available for nakedness
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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