By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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