I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
