I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
