is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
