I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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