i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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