I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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