I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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