it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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