They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize