I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Randomize
