It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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