I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Someone shit on the floor
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
