i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize