Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
