She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
