I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize