His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
