Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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