cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
