so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
