i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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