So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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