and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
