I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
