does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Come on in and take your pants off
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