She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
