there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
