it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
vagina is talking i cant
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
