I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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