im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize