i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
