And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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