im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize