So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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