I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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