He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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