That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
