I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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