So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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