hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
