i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
