never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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