guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
