Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
