explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it's like heaven, but drunker
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
