The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
