Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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