Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Everclear isn't food dammit
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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